Isn't it funny how we really think we have life figured out, or we think we know how our life will turn out? Like take me for instance, I thought for sure I would one day run into my preacher husband and fall madly in love and then marry him and have babies. Now I'm not naive enough to think it would be that perfect, I figured there would be ups and downs. But we of course would get through them because we loved each other. Either that would happen, or I would stay single and go off to some foreign country open a coffee shop and tell people about Jesus. Really I was prepared for either scenario, give or take some hard times.
Needless to say that isn't quite how things seem to be turning out for me. These past few months have been some of the hardest for me. I'm not saying that I haven't had some really great times or haven't felt any joy, but it's been difficult simply because I haven't been in control and I have truly had to throw my hands up and say "Okay, God, you're in control I literally don't know what else to do." I found the man I want to be with, and he is far from a preacher. In fact, I'm realizing were both broken people who are desperately trying to figure out how to live in this world. From the first time I met him I was attracted and saw something in him that I liked. The first time we hung out I knew I was in way over my head. Have you ever met anyone that just tests you in ways you never thought were possible? Like, you're so into them it scares you to even think about walking away from them? That's kind of how I felt from the very beginning with him. I was nervous to feel so taken by someone I really didn't know yet. I'm going to do my best not to make this too terribly long so I will skip the details and just say that we are now expecting a baby girl this December. It's crazy to think that one selfish act of stupidity can really change everything. Every plan I had made for my future I started to question. The fact that sin has consequences slapped me right in the face. I couldn't help but start to think of every "what if" but I soon realized that there was a life growing inside me, that was completely innocent and didn't deserve to be questioned. I mean if I truly believed that God is a God capable of anything how could I sit there and question that He isn't capable of turning what seemed like a horrible and scary situation into something beautiful.
"You give life, you are love, you bring light to the darkness, you give hope, you restore every heart that is broken - Great are you Lord!"
If I truly believed this with all my heart, how could I sit there and beat myself up for making a mistake? I make them everyday. This one just happens to be one that will affect more than just me. This is one that everyone can see, and have an opinion on. Even so, He is the giver of life, and He can restore my broken heart. I know I make mistakes, but God doesn't, and since He is the one who creates life I can no longer consider my baby a mistake but a beautiful miracle that is being given to me through a mistake.
"Before I formed you in the whom I knew you, before you were born I set you apart -Jeremiah 1:5"
It has taken me a little time to move forward and not feel depressed, but I think I am finally starting to feel happy/excited about my daughter who will soon be entering into this world. Being pregnant is honestly one of the most humbling experiences. I am realizing that I am no longer only responsible for myself, but her too. God has entrusted me with a precious gift, and I pray everyday that He will give me the wisdom and insight to raise her in a way that will be pleasing to Him.
I know that this isn't what I had planned, by any means, but I am learning to just surrender my plans. I have never been more aware of the fact that I have to trust God in everything, especially this. I am thankful for the relationship I had built with Him before this happened because without it I'm not sure I would have made it through this. Jacobi (my boyfriend) and I are finally to a point where we are excited for our baby girl so please keep any and all negative comments to yourselves. I promise, there isn't anything negative you could say to me that I probably haven't thought of myself. Also, I am sorry if you feel I should have personally told you, there were too many people to tell so I figured writing a blog would be the easiest thing for me. Please feel free to contact me if you need to.
My due date is December 21st 2014 - Christmas baby!