Dear Harlow Jayde,

No one quite prepared me for this little task we call motherhood, haha, little. You actually were really little when you first got here, when they told me your weight I was a bit shocked. I was drugged up and anxiously waiting in the recovery room, making your aunts laugh because I kept repeating how "cute and tiny" you probably were. I was SO excited to meet you. When they first handed you to me my heart just melted and I started to cry, you were literally so perfect, you are perfect. You are everything I have ever needed in life, you are the one who gives me the closest glimpse to our Heavenly fathers love for us. Over these past few months I have watched you grow, and learn new things, it is so neat. You have the absolute best smile I have ever seen, and I got to watch you learn how to do that. Anytime I take you anywhere the people around you just light up, I can already see your little personality coming out and it literally melts me to pieces. I am beyond blessed to have you in my life, you are the best gift God has ever given me. You inspire me, baby girl, to be the best person I can be. To get out and make something of myself, to be a woman worth admiring! You make me want to strengthen my relationship with the Lord, so that I can lead you in that. I wish I could explain to expecting mothers just what it feels like to be one, but I can't. It is something you just have to experience for yourself, and you are the greatest experience. On this Mother's Day I just wanted to say that you have changed my life for the better. You have shown me what real love looks like, that unconditional, never ending, life changing, heart fluttering, joy filled type of love. You have brought out a strength in me that I didn't know I had. You are by far my greatest treasure in life, and as long as I am here living it, I will be loving you. Forever and always, thank you for making me a mommy. 

 

"You give life..."

I never really know where to start whenever I start writing a blog, but I know this one needs to be written so here it goes. Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled.

Isn't it funny how we really think we have life figured out, or we think we know how our life will turn out? Like take me for instance, I thought for sure I would one day run into my preacher husband and fall madly in love and then marry him and have babies. Now I'm not naive enough to think it would be that perfect, I figured there would be ups and downs. But we of course would get through them because we loved each other. Either that would happen, or I would stay single and go off to some foreign country open a coffee shop and tell people about Jesus. Really I was prepared for either scenario, give or take some hard times. 

Needless to say that isn't quite how things seem to be turning out for me. These past few months have been some of the hardest for me. I'm not saying that I haven't had some really great times or haven't felt any joy, but it's been difficult simply because I haven't been in control and I have truly had to throw my hands up and say "Okay, God, you're in control I literally don't know what else to do." I found the man I want to be with, and he is far from a preacher. In fact, I'm realizing were both broken people who are desperately trying to figure out how to live in this world. From the first time I met him I was attracted and saw something in him that I liked. The first time we hung out I knew I was in way over my head. Have you ever met anyone that just tests you in ways you never thought were possible? Like, you're so into them it scares you to even think about walking away from them? That's kind of how I felt from the very beginning with him. I was nervous to feel so taken by someone I really didn't know yet. I'm going to do my best not to make this too terribly long so I will skip the details and just say that we are now expecting a baby girl this December. It's crazy to think that one selfish act of stupidity can really change everything. Every plan I had made for my future I started to question. The fact that sin has consequences slapped me right in the face. I couldn't help but start to think of every "what if" but I soon realized that there was a life growing inside me, that was completely innocent and didn't deserve to be questioned. I mean if I truly believed that God is a God capable of anything how could I sit there and question that He isn't capable of turning what seemed like a horrible and scary situation into something beautiful. 

"You give life, you are love, you bring light to the darkness, you give hope, you restore every heart that is broken - Great are you Lord!" 

If I truly believed this with all my heart, how could I sit there and beat myself up for making a mistake? I make them everyday. This one just happens to be one that will affect more than just me. This is one that everyone can see, and have an opinion on. Even so, He is the giver of life, and He can restore my broken heart. I know I make mistakes, but God doesn't, and since He is the one who creates life I can no longer consider my baby a mistake but a beautiful miracle that is being given to me through a mistake. 

"Before I formed you in the whom I knew you, before you were born I set you apart -Jeremiah 1:5" 

It has taken me a little time to move forward and not feel depressed, but I think I am finally starting to feel happy/excited about my daughter who will soon be entering into this world. Being pregnant is honestly one of the most humbling experiences. I am realizing that I am no longer only responsible for myself, but her too. God has entrusted me with a precious gift, and I pray everyday that He will give me the wisdom and insight to raise her in a way that will be pleasing to Him. 

I know that this isn't what I had planned, by any means, but I am learning to just surrender my plans. I have never been more aware of the fact that I have to trust God in everything, especially this. I am thankful for the relationship I had built with Him before this happened because without it I'm not sure I would have made it through this. Jacobi (my boyfriend) and I are finally to a point where we are excited for our baby girl so please keep any and all negative comments to yourselves. I promise, there isn't anything negative you could say to me that I probably haven't thought of myself. Also, I am sorry if you feel I should have personally told you, there were too many people to tell so I figured writing a blog would be the easiest thing for me. Please feel free to contact me if you need to. 

My due date is December 21st 2014 - Christmas baby! 

Relationship vs. Religion: Insights on eternal life

I have been really questioning lately whether or not we should teach people to say 'the prayer,' does that really give people eternal life? Does one prayer one time save people for life? Because I know that is what I was taught when I was younger. I do know that saying that prayer and truly believing it provides us with the holy spirit who then starts to work from the inside molding and shaping us into new creations. For everyone however, it comes down to a choice, we have to choose to put some effort into a relationship with the Lord. It can't just be a go to church, pray occasionally, sometimes pick up my Bible and read it type of relationship. We have to say the prayer, believe it but then respond by walking with the Lord, I believe that is what brings eternal life. 

So, I decided to go deeper than that. I know for me, when someone expresses an opinion I like to see where scripture supports that opinion. I am going to try and break down why I believe that, so bare with me and try and follow along. 

I'll start with Genesis, I mean in the beginning they had eternal life. I figured why not look back and see what it was like in the garden, when they had eternal life already, and what corrupted that. 

Genesis 1:27 through all of chapter 3 it talks about how Adam and Eve were created and how they walked in the garden with God (here eternal life is what they had), and then sin entered into the picture and they were no longer able to be in the presence of the Lord because they were aware of their sin, and felt ashamed. (no more eternal life)

It goes on, into chapter 5 I noticed that Enoch was taken up to be with the Lord, because it says in Chapter 5:24 "Enoch walked with God, and he was not, for God took him." Enoch walked with God, so he had eternal life.  

Then in Chapter 6 it talks about how Noah was saved from the flood where everyone else on earth was quote "blotted out" because it says in chapter 6:9 "...Noah walked with God." So, Noah was saved here only because he walked with God. 

I'm sure there are many more places in the old testament that I could elaborate on like this, but now I am going to skip to the gospels where Jesus comes in play. This is where I really started to think about eternal life and what it means and how we obtain it. 

Luke 17:21 "...for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." 

John 17:3 "and this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." 

So why these two verses you might be thinking? Well, I chose Luke 17:21 because Jesus is the way to the kingdom of God, he was standing right there (walking with them), He was man but also fully God, and He alone was the only way to restore the barrier between man and God. So that man may be able to walk with God through Jesus Christ, and obtain eternal life, by knowing them both, God and Jesus. (refer to Ephesians 2:4) 

Eternal life, in John 17:3 is described as knowing God and Jesus. This verse doesn't say that they acknowledge you as the only true God, but that they 'know you' the only true God. How do you truly know somebody? By spending time with them, listening to them speak, walking with them. Think about it, eternal life is already here. We already have it, IF we are walking with God. He is life, and that is what it was in the beginning, they were able to openly talk with him and walk with him. That is what Jesus provided for us, a way to openly talk and walk with him, daily. We have eternal life now, and not even death can separate us from that. (Romans 8:37-39)

                  Not just by saying a prayer one time, and then going to church every Sunday. 

Now, I'm not saying that saying that prayer does not provide the Holy Spirit or that we should stop telling people to say it. I am just saying that we might need to reevaluate our way of thinking. Reevaluate what it means to have eternal life, instead of thinking that eternal life means living after we die, we need to realize that eternal life means living now because we are dead without Christ. We must know Him and walk with Him, while we are still here on earth. 

.happy with the u n k n o w n.

I don't even know where to start.

Blogs seem to be easier when I have a specific topic to write about, I feel like my thoughts have been so all over the place lately. 

However, I guess I will start with the fact that I moved to Canada, and yes it is quite lovely here, I must say. So far I have met some really interesting/nice people. I have gotten settled in my house, and FINALLY have some furniture. Haha, I can tell that the Lord is doing some great things in and around me, but honestly I can't tell you what. I can just tell that He is. It's like I know He is going to teach me something, and is in the process of doing so, and I am just content in knowing that. I just keep going day to day, feeling like this is where I am supposed to be even though I have no idea why yet. Some of you can probably relate to that. It's like being totally and completely happy with the unknown simply because you at least know that God is doing something awesome and you're just riding along, trying to hold on as best you can. Now with that, I guess I can also be brutally honest in saying that I have been struggling pretty heavily with a few things. It seems as if baring my soul on a blog might not be the best idea I've ever had, but I will let you guys know that it isn't easy being alone. People keep asking if I'm lonely and I honestly haven't felt lonely once, I don't mind being alone I actually prefer it on occasions. I really have just been struggling with being myself, my normal 'go out and tell everybody about Jesus' self. I want to be like that, but for some reason I feel like something is holding me back, I wish I could explain it better but I can't. As I do realize that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, and that we are constantly at war. I have been daily working and fighting to keep my armor on, and daily trying to rely on Him for my strength, but I must say....It is much harder to keep at it without your family of believers surrounding you. I just keep telling myself: you are still breathing, so keep seeking Him in all that you do Libby, reminding myself of all His promises. My mind feels cluttered and I honestly want to apologize for how jumbled this blog is, I just wanted to let you guys in on whats been going on with me. 

I will stand firm knowing that, 'he himself is my peace..' - Ephesians 2:14

With all that said, how wonderful is it to know that:

"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of a great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ --- by grace you have been saved --- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. FOR WE ARE HIS workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." 

As I go out and speak with numerous people who have no kind of relationship with the Lord, and could honestly careless about any of it, I am filled with sadness and disappointment but then I remember these verses. I was once there to. I was dead in my trespasses but God is rich in mercy and it is only by grace that I have been saved. I pray that He will shower these people with his unending mercy and draw them closer to Himself showing them his grace in kindness toward them in Christ Jesus.

I want to thank each of you for your continuous support and prayers, much love! 

She had trouble trusting men...

This one goes out to the girls who have a hard time finding their worth in Christ, but instead try and find it in earthly men, or anything else that might give limited fulfillment. I will just jump right into it, the problem with this is that when we try and find our worth in an earthy man instead of our savior we will surely realize that we aren't worth much. See all humans are nothing aside from Christ. Just haughty people that deserve nothing but death. I feel like it is safe to say that even women who do find that Godly man sometimes struggle with trying to find their worth in him instead of Christ. I think as women we try hard to please the opposite sex whether it be with our looks, actions, words, whatever it takes. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't bad to be attractive to men, but when you start trying to do nothing but attract them then there is a problem. You start to feel as if you are lesser of a person if a man isn't attracted to you. Sometimes we go as far as giving up pieces of ourselves that no man but our husband should receive in order to feel attractive loved or accepted. When we search for acceptance in this way, we might receive it but behind closed doors when we really sit and think about it our souls long for more, peace from the war. This is where our precious savior steps in, He is there to give us joy and fulfillment. See Jesus himself tells us that He is sufficient for us. Why do we have such a hard time accepting this truth? He is constantly searching for us, He wants us to give Him our heart, willingly. How often do we try to seek this fulfillment in other things? Especially men. I think as a woman who is seeking the Lord, this has been a painful lesson I have had to learn. I have been so silly with what I try and find my worth in that I now struggle with trusting men, any man no matter how much they love the Lord. Really it has been a struggle to trust people in general. For a long time I have built up walls upon walls trying to keep everybody out so that I never have to experience heartache again. I liked to use the excuse that I just wanted to "strengthen my relationship with the Lord" instead of having a relationship with a man, but really I have just been scared to let a man even get close to me. But since I have been building a relationship with Christ, I am starting to realize that it is okay to allow myself to be friends with the opposite sex, as long as they never get put before Him. I now know that there is a distinct difference between "guarding your heart" and cutting it completely off from the world. It is so important to know that when our worth is found in Christ above all else, we truly can embrace the world with a loving and open heart, not one that is constantly fleeing from anything that will hurt us. Guard your heart ladies, but make sure that heart is found in Christ's hands, not in your own, or the hands of an earthly man.

The Proverbs 31 woman. Simply put:

Alright ladies, this one is for you. 

I have been studying Proverbs 31:10-31 for a few months now and have seen some important things that I never saw before that I have decided I should share. 

First I will start with sharing my reason behind studying this, I first decided to start studying it to see how my life measured up to this type of woman (if you haven't read it in a while, I encourage you to do so before you read the rest of this blog) it's not that I am trying to get married any time soon, but I do want that at some point in my future; so I figured it would be good for me to seek out (in scripture) what it looks like to be a good wife/mother. 

Basically I started by reading through it multiple times, I didn't try and focus on specific verses, I just wanted to get an understanding of what the message was. I read asking the Lord to reveal to me ways that I could go deeper and see meanings that are not on the surface. I think a key thing to know about scripture is that there can always be a deeper meaning, it is living and God can use it to show us many different things. Also, please don't take my word for all of the things I am going to share; you should always seek out truth in the scripture for yourself. It is so important to know that! Take what people say, and check it for yourself to see what He will reveal to you! 

So here are a few things that I found really cool about these verses. First thing I noticed pretty much right away is that her beauty is not mentioned as a positive. In fact, it says in verse 30 that “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.” It just really made me think, how often do I wish to be beautiful? Or charming? Charm is in fact deceitful. How often have you tried to be charming towards someone you didn’t really care about and have it come back to bite you? Or has a guy ever been “charming” with no intention of perusing you and it ended up hurting you? Ladies, it is so important to know this deep within your hearts. Beauty is vain. I decided to take it a step further and look up the definition of vain which is: producing no result; useless. So if beauty is in fact “useless”, we should probably stop putting so much emphasis on being “beautiful”, right?  

The next thing that The Lord revealed to me really helped me go through the rest of my studying with a different perspective. Verse 10 says “an excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” Remember that, now I am going to talk about Proverbs 3, which talks about trusting the Lord with all your heart and also about the blessing of wisdom. Proverbs 3:15 says, “She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.” (Referring to wisdom as she, not a woman) In Proverbs 2:1-10 it talks about the fact that the Lord will give us wisdom and understanding if only we seek and ask for it. Verse 6 states that “the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding.” This helped me to see that I should seek wisdom and understand that He will give it to me, and that nothing else that I desire will compare to it. Proverbs 31:26 says that “she opens her mouth with wisdom.” Which means that she already has asked and has received the blessing of wisdom. If I am seeking to be this “excellent wife” then wisdom will be a key factor. I then realized that I should not be seeking to be this woman for only an earthly husband. The Bible compares the relationship of Jesus and His church to that of a Bride and Groom. We, the church of Jesus Christ are the Bride, and Jesus is the Bridegroom. I want to be “far more precious than jewels” in the sight of my Bridegroom. I must first seek to be this bride for my savior. Only then will I be able to even try and be this bride for my earthly husband.

Now onto verse 12, it says, “She does him (her husband) good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”  It doesn’t say most or some there, it says that she does him good ALL the days of her life. Not much that I have to elaborate on, just want to be sure that you see the wording there.

Verse 17: “she dresses herself with strength..” is later repeated in V. 25 “strength and dignity are her clothing..” So I decided to meditate on this for a little while, and this is how I interpreted it. Clothing is something that is visible to all who see you. People can see your clothing whether they know you well, or have just met you. I know that true strength comes from the Lord (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). I feel that these specific verses are referring to the fact that His strength is something that is visible about her demeanor. Honor or dignity is also referring to Him and the fact that she makes visible to the people around her, as if to wear it as an article of clothing, that she gives honor to the Lord. He is what people see through this woman by just being around her.

I literally have something that I have learned from each individual verse of this specific passage of scripture. I know that this might not help, and my theology could be way off, and if you believe that it is, please feel free to tell me. I do not have the time or energy to go through every single verse, but these are the ones that made the biggest impact on me (so far). I am going to say it again, because I want to make it clear. Please do not take my word for any of this, I find it to be very important that people search out scripture for themselves. I hope that this encouraged you to do so! 

"Behold, the new has come."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Is this not the coolest thing ever? Lately, I have been blown away with the truth in this verse.  

When I was a kid, I didn't really have any worries or cares, life was so simple. I loved it. Then I began to grow and things started becoming more difficult. I started to care about what I looked like, and care about what other people thought of me. Started to think about boys differently. My parents started having problems and "struggles" actually became real. However, as a teen I still kept this optimism that one day I would fix all of my problems and life would be good. I then got in high school and began making really bad life choices, I guess I just thought that when I got "older" I would then give my life to the Lord and everything would be all-good. That was the dumbest idea I have ever had. I went through most of my life making all my own decisions, ultimately being Lord over my life, and never really consulting the one who put me here for His purpose (stupid right?) 

Luckily, that God who made me, found me one day in a really dark place. He showed me just a glimpse of His everlasting light and I have been drawn to it ever since. He truly gave me hope for a future where all of my problems would be fixed, where everything is perfect. Thankfully though, He has also given me an understanding that this future is in Heaven not here on earth. He didn't promise me that life here on earth would be perfect or that life would be "struggle-free" but that those struggles would mold, shape, and strengthen me...Until I get to heaven and there will be no more struggle, no more pain, no more sorrow or death, all will be perfect. The Lord has been so faithful to me, He truly has changed me from the inside out. I am a new creation. Don't get me wrong, there are still many parts of my life that are broken. In fact, I am sorely tempted by things that taunted me years ago. But the difference is, I no longer try and handle or fix all of those things on my own. I know that I have a God that I can always rely on and turn to for guidance, forgiveness, and love. He is faithful and has proven that to me time and time again, I no longer trust in myself, I trust in Him.